Dr. AMAHGOD\
It was a calm quiet morning. I was without a care in the world. That's when it happened, My life took a dramatic turn for the worst.
The call
I was at home eating and reading a book when my telephone rang. I picked it up.
"Hellloooo?" the voice answered
"Hey?" I stammered.
I didn't recognize the voice at all. it was weird. Feminine, masculine, old, and raspy all at the same time.
"Yes, is this Peter? Peter Willaloo?" the voice asked.
"Yeah, who is this?" I answered
"Ah, I forgot to introduce myself. Greetings, I am Dr. Amahhgod. I am your new doctor. Ms. Filililo, your old doctor, has retired."
"Oh?" I asked. "I don't ever recall her stating she was retiring?"
"It's a long story, but it came up suddenly. I was wondering if we could meet up together? Get to chat and know each other.... I believe it's called Patient to Doctor bonding. What do you say?"
"Well....." I began.
"All right! Then I'll see you first thing tomorrow.
At that point he had hung up. I scratched my head. Since when did Ms. Fililiilo retire? She said no such thing, and this guy was the first to mention it. Ah well, I thought. Can't be so bad, can he? I went straight to bed after this.
The date
I woke up in the morning. It was 8:00. We said that we'd meet at 9:00. I should get ready now. I hopped out of bed and took off my cute pink bunny slippers and went to the bathroom to take a shit. I pushed. It didn't come. I sat there pushing my anus out for about 34 minutes when I realized I was supposed to meet up with Amahhgod.
"Oh shit!" I struggled. "I totally lost track of time"
I sat up when I realized I had a piece of poo hanging out of my ass. I used my fingers and pulled it out. I then took my bottle of shampoo and squirted some on my hand. I used the shampoo in my hand and glided my hand through my greacy, oil-filled hair.
"That should be good enough."
I got out of the bathroom and went to my walk-in closet. There was one pair of shirt and pants in there so I grabbed them both and threw them on. Then I ran out the door.
I met up with Dr. Amahhgod exactly at 9:00.
"Hey there, is this Peter?" He asked.
"Yeah, I do belive this is Amahhgod, correct?"
"Yes. Come here, have a seat." He directed me towards a chair and gestured for me to take a seat. He walked behind me and put his hands on my sholders.
"My, what beautiful hair you have. It smells of fresh dandylions."
He glided his hand across my hair. Wow, I must have done a pretty good job washing up if he liked it that much.
"Excuse me for asking but, may I have a look in your eyes?" He grabbed my head and pulled me towards him. His eyes gazing through mine.
"I.... I'm sorry but I.... I don't swing that way." I stammered, turning my head.
He gave me an angered look. "Pardon me!?"
"I'm sorry I thought you were trying to kiss me....." I felt genuinly guilty.
"Oh, well in that case you're very wrong." He grabbed my head and turned it. Looking at my ear he said, "A lot of ear wax is how I like my ears."
He started foaming at the mouth and growing mulitple tentacles out of his eyes and nose. He looked at my with a hundred sharp teeth glaring at me. He took a huge chomp at my head. Blood was everywhere, shooting out of my nose and naked brain. I scremed as he picked me up and put me in his mouth and started chewing.
"THIS.... IS...... AMAHHHHHHGOD!!!!"
(Not to be confused with "This is Sparta")